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Saw this photograph of myself taken by the Bright Hill Monastery team during my monastic retreat. 

During the retreat, I decided that I won't become a monk this life, not because I didn't like being a monk, but because I still believe in marrying a wife, having kids, and carrying on a family lineage. Even though I am not dating any girl at this point, I hope that one day I might just meet the right one. It's a personal choice.

The reason why I joined this monastic retreat is because I wanted to know what I'm missing out on, and I concluded that I prefer to be a layperson practising the Mahayana tradition, instead of becoming a cleanly shaven monk. To be honest, this retreat reminded me a lot of my Basic Military Training years at Tekong. Shaving my head, donning a uniform, and joining an all-boys school. I respect the many gentlemen who joined the event together with me, but when nightfall came, I had a lot of doubts and anxieties as I tried my best to fall asleep. The truth is, I missed home, I couldn't sleep. When I was enlisted to army, I missed my maternal grandmother the most. I worried a lot about her, and I missed my family. Yet by now, my grandmother has passed on, and her urn and ancestral tablet are hosted in the monastery, but I still missed her and my family. I don't know why am I so homesick, it's a weakness on my end. 

Eventually I just threw in the towel, gave up and quit the retreat. I had no answers, and it was futile trying to force things. 

Couldn't fully define the problem, so I am also unable to present any valid solutions. Just.. a zen koan which is a riddle to me.