My late Zen roshi Adam used to keep repeating this over and over again: "It is not what the world does or does not do that is the problem. It is what I do and do not do, that is MY problem!
No matter what religion one believes in, there are always some form of discipline necessary to teach a person how to behave. In Christianity there are the ten commandments. Even though I am not a theist, I believe that the commandments will lead me to a better afterlife, so I honour these teachings as best as I may.
In Buddhism there are the training precepts. I'm going to stay in at Bright Hill Monastery for a week, and I'm expected to uphold the ten training precepts too. I'll do my best, though I confess that I'm really not good at meditation or chanting scriptures. The best I can do is to wayang wayang a little and hope that the seven day retreat passes quickly.
I have more or less packed my luggage, and on 19th April I'll go for a one day boot camp before shaving my scalp then attending a week long retreat starting on the 22nd. Thinking about the retreat itself already makes me restless and sleepless.
To be frank, before my grandmother passed away, I was really enthusiastic about anything Buddhism. I believed that if I behaved properly, it's going to benefit myself and the world around me. I still believe in being kind and wholesome, but after my grandparents and Buddhist teachers died one after another, I felt lost.
I'd still go for Buddhist ceremonies and events, but it's my opinion that nobody knows for sure where my late elders all went after they died. All that talk about afterlife and heavens or pure lands, it's not that I question them, it's just that they don't change the fact that I have to die by myself and undergo the cremation and vanish into thin air.
When I see things too clearly, things become not really romantic. I don't think I'll meet my late grandparents ever again, I most likely won't encounter my deparred Buddhist teachers either.
Religions try to soften things up a little so that death becomes more digestible, this is something I don't complain. Religions give me hope that there can be a better future, and it keeps me going to sleep and then waking up. If there were no religions, no faith, no devotion, I think this world would be a really terrible place. So ultimately, I still choose to believe.
When I reason in this way, I see myself more of an agnostic than as Buddhist, and that's ok too.
So, in summary once again, there are rules to follow, so I'd follow them. Whether there is a better afterlife or not, I cast my doubts and worries to the Higher Being(s) and having done my best, I rest my case.
I feel like sleeping at last. Let's give the pillow some attention now.