My Buddhist spinister aunt confided in me something going on for the past six years which I find peculiar but I'm not sure how to advise her: she got to know this friend K who is also a Buddhist since six years ago, and they have been discussing the Buddha's teachings over WhatsApp almost every day. K is 50 years old while my aunt is 62. Everything seems smooth, until K went to Thailand for a vacation and he met a group of monks who predicted that K would become a monk this life. So ever since coming back to Singapore, K has been chasing his newfound passion for meditation and he claims that he has reached a good degree of calm abiding whenever he meditates.
So far so good.
Now, K has a girlfriend for 30 years whom he refuses to marry. He cohabits with her in their Yishun apartment and they do have sexual activity. Since they are not married, this falls under the grey area of sexual misconduct. It's not my problem. K also smokes cigarettes and intoxicates beer very heavily, again not my problem. It only becomes my problem because he practises Buddhism pretty deeply and my aunt is awed by his commitment, and she wants to learn from him. My aunt is very goal oriented and she wants to attain a high degree of samadhi and insight even though she practises meditation on and off. So after months of ad-hoc meditation, she feels very discouraged and disappointed that she did not become as enlightened as she would hope herself to be.
Why I say this becomes my problem, is because what my aunt wants ie samadhi, Prajna and enlightenment, these are things that both I and K as a Buddhist person cannot give to her. My aunt starts fault finding, criticising others, pushing the blame, and engaging in a lot of negativity which doesn't help herself nor benefits others. So she comes and complains a lot to me about her own impasse and about K. So right now, she is very upset with K because K wants to focus on his own Buddhist journey and intends to pursue more spiritual progress by going back to Thailand to stay with the sangha. My aunt feels that K has broken his promises because he has previously agreed to teach my aunt meditation but now is renegading on his promises.
Having said so much, the reason why I am typing all these wall of text is because men and women have traditionally not been the same whether in layperson life or monastic settings. I can understand K, he is interested in Theravada teachings and he wants to seek liberation for himself before he helps others get enlightened, that's why he wants to go back to Thailand. It's a good intention. Yet, I also understand my aunt, she is behaving in a typical woman's behaviour. To quite an analogy, women don't like to go to the toilet alone, they like to go toilet in pairs or together with company. So for my aunt, in order for her to go to a temple and join a meditation retreat, she needs me to accompany her everywhere. That's a difference between K and my aunt: K wants to go solo, but my aunt believes in companionship.
Tonight, my aunt spent a long time driving in a point that K is becoming very selfish ever since he started meditating with the Thai sangha. She hates selfishness, and she believes in the Bodhisattva path to help others first.
For me, I spent a lot of effort being a listening ear and trying to understand what the problem is, and at the end to me it's basically the debate between Mahayana and Theravada all over again. People are not born the same. K wants to be a sravaka, he believes in Hinayana, I can't fault him for wanting to be enlightened before helping others because that's his choice. Yet, for my aunt, she believes that the Hinayana is uncompassionate, she'll rather sit in front of me crying away than to surrender her Mahayana inclinations. Sigh.
I don't think there's a problem worth solving here, because the story doesn't transgress the Dharma. In the Lotus Sutra, the Buddha has already said clearly that He is like a loving father who sees his children playing in the burning house. He uses expedient means to tempt his children out of the fire and when they are all saved, he gives his children better toys than they thought possible. The Buddha doesn't lie, but because human beings are complicated, He uses tactfulness to guide them to safety. In my story tonight, the Buddha is also trying to help me and my loved ones be free from suffering, nothing wrong here. Yet, because people are complicated, a simple disagreement becomes a long-winded essay like tonight because if I don't type a little, I'd go crazy myself.
So, no problem to solve, just compassion and wisdom to be aroused. Namo Buddhaya. Namo Dharmaya. Namo Sanghaya.