My Journey With Lust

My challenges with lust started when I was three years old. I still remember hiding in a corner of my bedroom exploring my genitals, I touched my dick and it felt good, and I kept repeating it over and over again even though I had no idea why. By the time I entered kindergarten, I developed curiosity of the female gender. I recall asking my maternal grandmother why was it that girls had two anuses, the toilet cubicle walls in my kindergarten were really low and I had accidentally saw the girls using the toilets and it created enough curiosity within me to wonder about the human anatomy.

As I reached puberty, I started developing sexual fantasies for my female schoolmates. I was 15 years old when I stumbled upon the first nude photograph of a blonde woman online when I searched for the term 'orgasm'. I began wanking around that time, and it continued until 18 years old when I decided that I would stop for six months when I was conscripted into army. I needed the focus to do my job properly as a soldier, and not touching myself was crucial because jerking off was draining me of my energies.

I was 23 years old when I first considered myself a Buddhist, and back then the internet was already rampant with pornography. I suffered from addiction to porn and I kept fighting within myself the urges and desires for sensuality, I felt miserable and suffered from low self esteem, it was really bad for me socially. I tried to do meditation, and I dare be honest as meditation helped me tremendously as I found a form of bliss which was free from the afflictions of sexual desire. Metta meditation helped me see women as something else other than objects of lust, while breathing meditation helped me discover the beauty of mindfulness of my breath. I wasn't too good with vipassana meditation, but I did cultivate insights of seeing the filth in the human body and I kept telling myself the repulsiveness of the body and how human sexuality was unworthy of desire and attachment.

It was the year 2012 when my maternal grandmother was passing away, and her demise saw me falling into a bout of depression. The human body is so impermanent and transient, it does not last and one day we all would die. On one hand I started doing a lot of death contemplation, while on the other hand I started falling into depressive spells which resulted in me seeing a doctor to get myself treated. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and it was getting really bad. However, I taught myself to keep faith in the Buddha and I sought Triple Gem refuge, followed by the Five Training Precepts.

Going for refuge in the Buddha, dharma and sangha was arguably the best decision I made in my adult life. As I started practising restraints towards sensuality, I felt an incredible bliss and rapture throughout my body. I would sit for long periods and enjoy the warmth of meditative bliss running through my inner organs, and I also would sense my hair stand on their ends as I experienced jhanas which was totally unlike that of sexual arousal. I decided that I would take on celibacy vows, I practised continence and abstinence, and I went solo as a grown-up adult. It has been years since I touched a woman other than my mother and aunt.

No regrets on my end, I stopped short of going for monastic vows because I don't want to bring my incompetence into monastic life. Instead, I chose to live on as a secular layperson supporting the Buddhist sangha. I have no attainments all these years, but I am perfectly content with the simple lifestyle that I lead. Lust, in general, is troublesome, and totally not worth it. I am still heterosexual, and I still like women. I did not get married all these years, but I'm happier spending time embracing the dharma and being an ordinary follower of the Buddha. My mistakes are mine alone, I am not advocating celibacy for everyone, but where I am coming from is that lust has given me a horrid time during my youthful years, and I am glad that I am finally finding a small measure of peace as I come of age and being aloof from sexual desire.

If I have one word of advice for anyone and everyone: If lust comes to you, watch it, hold it, take care of it, and let it go. Don't fight lust, because lust is inherent in all human beings and it's there to stay. As you age and your body starts to give way, even though one might still lust, but the body is no longer able to respond adequately. So, don't meet lust head on, it's not worth the effort fighting it especially when one is young and hormones are raging. Use lust as a good experience to teach you and grow appropriately, if you have to jerk off, just do it and resolve to do better next time. If you were in a proper relationship with an opposite gender, be open with your feelings and respect each other's sexuality. Use a condom if you are not ready to start a family.

That's all I have to say at this point, lust is not a problem, it's the fighting with lust that gives one a bigger headache. When you see sexuality as it is, you'll realise that it's really no big deal and there's nothing to fear or greed about it. The body is such a miserable thing, we have to be really silly and deluded to think that it's desirable. I wish you and everyone well, lust is not an enemy, it's a teacher, if you respect your teacher your teacher will also be kind to you.