Reaching Out for True Love

I have fallen in love thrice this lifetime. The first time I fell in love was with a Christian girl during university. It was possessive, invasive, and full of defilements. To me, that relationship was a biggest mistake I made this lifetime. We went separate ways after graduation, and we are no longer on talking terms. I don't think I could fix this relationship, but she also disappeared from my life completely when our karmic affinity ended. It is definitely not true love, it was just a selfish form of love. I regret it.

My second romantic interest was with another girl whom I barely know. She just happened to walk into my life, and each time I observed her I developed romantic attachment to her. I was constantly worried about her well-being, but we didn't really talk to each other. Eventually she got into a relationship with another gentleman and she married him. To me, this was the first time I experienced true love, because I was not obsessive about her, I merely wished her well and hoped the best for her, and now that she has found a good husband, I'm happy for her too.

I recently ended my third relationship with a lady and this romance lasted 14 years, the longest in my present lifetime. I met her in December 2010 over a business encounter, and I was impressed by her optimistic outlook on life. That was a point when I was suffering over depression because my beloved maternal grandmother was passing away, and I was really grieving. This lady, Alicia, accompanied me through my lowest point and kept encouraging me and inspiring me with words of dharma to keep me going. She reintroduced Buddhism into my life and I was really grateful to her for her support. I didn't dare to confess my love for her because I was afraid that it would wreck our relationship. This kept on going for more than a decade until I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to tell her that I loved her. It was during this time when I learned that she already was a divorcee with a kid who is of school going age, and when I discovered it I kept asking myself how could I love her better. I decided to follow my heart and I broke up with her, not because I was hurt, but because I was ashamed of my impure love towards her. I wanted the best for her, and the best would involve her and her son growing well, happy, safe and peacefully, with or without me. I told myself, since I am already a Buddhist, I'd go single and focus on my dharma cultivation. It was alright if I never married, and if I had any form of karmic connection left with Alicia, the day might come when her son is all grown up and if he was willing to accept me as a step-father, I will marry Alicia when the day comes. In the meantime, I merely wished the best for the two of them. This was my best attempt at true love, it is imperfect, but it is of my best effort.

I have been practising Pureland Buddhism for quite a while now, I am preparing for my own demise because that's the one thing I need to do before I die, and I hope that when the day comes, I'll seek rebirth in Amitabha Pureland and help the Buddha do the Tathagatha's work and help convert sentient beings into the Buddhadharma. The dharma has helped me overcome impossible circumstances in my lifetime, and I really wish to propagate it so that it can help more people in similar predicaments as me.

I count my blessings all the time. The Buddha's love for me and us is so pure and so true, it is the best thing I have encountered this life and I would like to reciprocate in kind. Cheers.

Yours in dharma.