Perfectionism

When I was younger and in university, I started studying Buddhism on a deeper level and that was when I first discovered the Perfection of Wisdom sutras such as Heart Sutra and Diamond Sutra. Just the label of "perfection" thrilled me, because I was a good student and I aimed to have perfect scores in my higher learnings, so heck, if given a choice I also expected perfectionism in my spiritual endeavour.

Therefore, I studied the two Prajnaparamita (perfection) sutras because they were the shorter of the several prajnaparamita sutras, and I realised that I understood nothing at all. Yet, take the Heart Sutra as an example, it felt like a complete play with spiritual wordings, I came to enjoy chanting it. Especially the mantra at the end of the sutra, as I continued to recite and memorise it, I came to see an esoteric meaning behind the mantra. I couldn't put it in words, I still cannot this very day, but I really loved the mantra. So everytime when I am stuck on a long aeroplane flight for instance, I would chant "Gate gate paragate, parasamgate bodhi svaha", and it had the ability of calming myself down and I literally felt as if I was being 'crossed over to the other shore'.

The Diamond Sutra on the other hand, it was a lot more intellectual as far as I was concerned. Especially the four liner gatha at the end of the sutra:

All conditioned phenomena
Are like a dream, an illusion, a bubble, a shadow,
Like dew or a flash of lightning;
Thus we shall perceive them​

It made perfect sense to me. Everything in this world is dissatisfactory, transient and egoless, so don't be attached to them. Instead, see them thusly for what they are, and let them go when the time is ripe. To me I absolutely loved the Diamond Sutra because it was that simple and straightforward.

As I aged, I didn't attain the perfection that I sought, in fact I didn't even manage to get First Class Honours for my degree, settling instead for Second Upper, but to me the degree was also a conditioned dharma, it is transient and meant to be left behind like a useless raft that I once used to get over to the other shore. So Buddhism had become something really special to me, it wasn't going to promise eternal life or forever heaven which my Christian classmates were preaching - during my time the Prosperity Gospel had become really popular in the university and even though I have nothing against wealth, it wasn't the only outcome I was seeking for. I was looking for transcendental wisdom, and I found them in studying the Prajnaparamita sutras.

After I graduated, I started to get more and more involved in Mahayana Buddhism, and my entire life would revolve around specific sutras at different stages. Amongst all the Masters whom I tried to research, I came to Venerable Sheng Yan of Dharma Drum Mountain, a teacher who probably once famously said, "佛法那么好， 知道的人那么少， 误解的人那么多。" i.e. "The Buddha dharma is so wonderful, yet those who know it are so few, while those who misunderstand it are in such abundance." I felt totally grateful that I was blessed to encounter the Righteous Wholesome Buddha Dharma during my youth, and I began to take spirituality even more seriously, to the point of doing lots of Zazen meditation in the hope of becoming something useful this life.

Yet, there was one meditation session where I felt as if I cracked the esoteric code of the Prajnaparamita scriptures, I was sitting and suddenly I started laughing. I literally laughed and kept laughing uncontrollably, and tears rolled down my eyes as I realised that meditation was just a complete joke or hoax or a total waste of my time. I attained nothing, realised nothing, and yet there I was, perfected despite being totally f***ed up, SNAFU's the only word to describe my state of equilibrium. I cried, I kept crying, yet like the Gautama Buddha who survived Mara's threats and finally found some calm amidst His self professed Middle Way, likewise I stopped laughing and crying and I continued to sit a bit longer. I discovered that the Buddhadharma is here to stay, and all I had to do was to preserve and cultivate it even though I was going nowhere.

So, like a student who kept failing his examinations and kept being retained to repeat his modules, I became a failure of sorts who would help project the Buddhadharma without expecting much in return. The good news was that I didn't become completely broke as I envisioned myself initially. Instead, each day that I supported the Triple Gem, I became better off and these days I am able to make ends meet while protecting the Buddha's teachings and making lots of Buddhist friends.

Buddhism works for me, and I am thankful. I found perfection in an imperfect world, I am still a nobody with nothing to offer in return, but the Buddha's teachings have nourished me all this while, and for which I count my blessings.

Buddhism rawks! ❤️