Dealing with Self-Hate

Loving kindness doesn't happen naturally to a lot of people. When I was younger I was extremely critical and also had a short temper. I was eventually referred to a psychiatrist whom I confided to. I told him that I had lots of visions of apocalypses in my mind, and I was suffering. One of the first things I learned that we should do when we face self-hate is that we have to acknowledge our own suffering. If we don't see ourselves as suffering, we wouldn't be inclined to change. So, my psychiatrist worked with me through several therapy sessions, along the way which he taught me to "Live and let live".

I eventually became a practising Buddhist and all these years I have been practising loving kindness meditation. I have no attainments whatsoever, but each day that I live being grateful for the little blessings that I am showered with, I came to discover how meek I am as a sentient being, and how fortunate I am simply to be alive. I am still quite critical of myself (typical of one of the zodiac scorpio), but I learned to not grasp at things too tightly and I also chose to let go of a lot of near misses as well as both successes and failures in life. I am literally still quite f***ed up, but I started loving myself unconditionally a lot more.

One of the main takeaways I have from my metta practice is that I came to love my parents a lot more. When I was younger, my relations with my parents were often strained, and I often associated my failures to my parents inaptitude. As I came to be less critical of myself, I came to cherish my parents and loved ones a lot more, and while it doesn't make me rich or famous overnight, in a way I made peace with myself. I never was the success I once aspired to be, but as I aged I also don't mind being mediocre. I am still quite ordinary, but instead of hating myself, I can and I choose to live with that.